I'm Not Depressed, I Have Depression

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) is something that I struggle with every day, but it does not define me. Depression is something I have to deal with, but it is not who I am. There are days when I feel really down, and I have to work through suicidal ideation, and sort through a lot of rage, and hate, and sadness, but that is not who I am. My depression is getting in the way of who I want to be, but when I start talking about being depressed, that's when it's going to win.

In a weird way I'm sort of thankful that I have to go through this. In my moments of clarity, like right now, I know that this battle is going to make me stronger in the end. It's scary at times, and I don't like the thoughts that pop into my head, but I know that I can get through this. I know there will be brighter days. I think the hardest part (and there may be many 'hardest parts') is the energy it takes to hold it all together all the time and act like everything is okay. Every day feels like a performance, and there was a time in my life when I loved performing for crowds, but I don't love acting like everything is okay just so people don't think that anything is wrong.

I hate feeling inauthentic. I hate having to fake it all the time. But if I don't act like the person I want to be, maybe I'll never get back to being that guy? I wonder if I stop acting like "myself," I'll forget who I am, who I want to be. Maybe putting on a performance is saving my life. But it's exhausing. Going to school (I teach at a High School in Ottawa, Ontario) having to put on a brave face every day so that my students don't think there is something wrong with their teacher is defeating. I want my students to bring their true selves to my classroom, but I don't allow that of myself. By the time the bell rings at 15h00 I'm absolutely spent, and by the time I get home I can barely keep my eyes open.

I'm so thankful for my wife. Not only is she a great support and very understanding and easy to talk to, she keeps this house going and makes sure our kids' lives are as good as they can be. I'm so lucky that she's got my back. She is fiercely loyal and she makes sure that I stand up for myself and lets me know when she thinks I deserve to be treated better. She makes me feel like I'm enough. She reminds me that I'm a good dad, and a good husband.

What's funny about that, though, is that because she's got my back and does such an amazing job picking up my slack, I feel guilty that I'm not doing enough. Even though I'm doing the best I can (and she acknowledges that), I wish I could do more. I don't always feel like I'm pulling my weight at home and that reminds me that I'm not the man I want to be. And not feeling like the man I want to be perpetuates my depression.

I'm not sure that there is a cure for depression, but I do know that it can be managed and dealt with. It's something, in my experience, that ebbs and flows. This is my second time though a major depressive episode, but I know that there are brighter days. I don't know where those brighter days are, and I don't know when they'll appear, but I'll get there. I have to. It's the only option.

Love you bros!