Don't Die Too Soon

Last week I went to the barber and I had two thoughts upon leaving:

1) Men should go to a barber

2) Men should go to the doctor

Let me unpack these thoughts a little.

1) Going to the barber matters. Men deserve a little man-pampering. The half hour or so that I sit in the chair getting my haircut is a half hour or so that is dedicated only to me. It's relaxing, and it's refreshing. And if you find a barber with whom you have some common interests it's even better! I'm lucky that my barber, Jason C. at All City Barbershop, and I go way back to our days as bouncers at Barrymore's Music Hall so we have lots to talk about. We don't just talk about our jobs, or the weather, we talk about books and about ideas that we read about in those books, or movies, and it feels really good to talk about things that matter as well as spending time dedicated to making me look good. But more importantly, as much fun as it is to tell dick and fart jokes with your buds, it's also important to talk about things that matter.

Talking about things that matter help Men feel like they matter and it's really important for men to feel like they matter. Men need to feel like they have worth and value and when I go to the barber, that's how I feel. We tell jokes, and sometimes it gets personal, but I always feel good when I go to the barber. Barbers have a hard job, and so I'd like to take a moment to recognize that while I focus on the half hour that I'm in the chair, they need to provide that experience over and over and over again. It's got to be tough.

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"I indeed would rather that a young man... should come to me with his hair dressed, than with it dirty and rough... For there appears in him some idea of beauty, and desire of what is becoming." — Epictetus

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I think taking pride in one's appearance is a manly endeavour and Stoic philosopher Epictetus would agree. It is important to show up in the world in a good way, and part of that is taking care of your appearance. However, the nuance that Epictetus shares is that the motivation for the grooming matters. Being clean is a basic human dignity and it is one way that we can show respect for ourselves and for the people around us. However, if we groom ourselves and dress a certain way so that we get attention it becomes an act of vanity, and and vanity is an unphilosophical trait.

The Stoics would say that a man should dress for the occasion. Not too flashy and not underdressed. Your outward appearance shouldn't scream for attention, but how does this relate to not dying too young, as the the title of this article suggests? It feels good to look good. Even when I don't feel like I matter very much, or when I think I'm not enough, one thing I can do is at least look the part.

One sign/symptom of depression is a lack of interest in things like personal hygiene and one's appearance. It was ten weeks since my last haircut which was on Movember 1st. I got a haircut and a hot shave on that day, and boy, did it feel good! I usually like to wear band t shirts, or tshirts with funny or meaningful graphics, but when I'm in the depths of depression my outfits include more plain t shirts. So if you notice that a man in your life changes the way he dresses or just doesn't seem to take much interest in the way he shows up in the world, check in with him.

2) One of the things that came up while I was sitting in the barber's chair was a dude with ailing health was not going to see the doctor. Generally speaking, Men don't visit the doctor enough. I think one reason is, "you won't have anything wrong with you if it doesn't get diagnosed!" And so Men avoid going to the doctor because they think they can just power through, or that their body will just take care of itself. But, that's not the way it works.

One of the reason's why I like to remind the men in my life that asking for help takes real strength is because I want them to feel empowered to visit the doctor. The doctor can give you help and support that you might not even know you need. I know that it's a pain to go to the doctor, and it isn't always easy to get in to see someone during work hours because taking time off work sometimes means not getting paid. Men might want to go see the doctor but can't take the time off work because their family depends on a paycheck. And that's just for physical ailments, never mind having to go to talk to a therapist about what's going on in their head!

The Stoics would urge us to treat our bodies like ships. We should be careful that we aren't trying to make our bodies look a certain way, because it is an act of vanity, but it is important for our bodies to work a certain way. Marcus Aurelius, who suffered from chronic health issues (likely ulcers and chest pain), frequently reminded himself that while he should care for his body, he must not become a slave to it.

One of the reasons men die young is because they don't get the help they need. Whether it's because of social pressure, or stigma, or a lack of resources (Ie. not being able to afford the time off,) Men seem to feel like they have a duty to take care of everybody but themselves. I saw a thing on the internet last night that said:

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People don't check in with men to see if they're alright, they check in with men to see if they're still useful.

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But in order to be useful, a man needs to be healthy. He needs the time and the space to take care of himself so that he can take care of others. If you want to help the Men in your life, remind them to take the time and make the space they need, and even though it is easier said than done, it's more important than anything if we want to help Men from dying too soon.