Parenting Through Depression - Part 1

I feel like there could/should be a book about Parenting Through Depression...especially for Father's. It's probably the hardest, and the worst, part about living with Major Depressive Disorder. Not having the patience for your own children is a terrible feeling. There are times when I find myself screaming and even swearing at my children and while I'm right in the middle of it I have this out-of-body experience where I see myself screaming at my kids all the while I'm asking myself "why are you swearing at your own children??" I also am asking myself, as angry words are streaming out of my mouth, "What are you so mad about?" and "Is this really worth being this upset about??"

Bed time is the worst. I'll ask my kids to get ready for bed and when they ignore me, right away my brain says, "See, if you were a good dad, your kids would be listening to you right now!" So in response, in an effort to convince myself that I am in fact a good enough dad, I yell at them in order to gain total compliance right away from my 8 and 10 year old daughters. And do you wanna know what? It never works, so my brain tells me "see...you're NOT a good dad!"

My lack of patience comes from deep seated shame. I'm not one hundred percent sure where this shame comes from, where it's roots are, but I know that when my patience runs out and my rage boils up it's because my brain is telling me that I am not a good dad and I don't deserve to have children that listen to me. As I mentioned in my previous post, my emotional brain, or the dark wolf, tells me that I'm not enough and I don't deserve "good" kids, but the rational brain, or the light wolf, is fighting to remind me that I am enough and I do deserve "good" kids.

I put the word 'good' in quotations because I'm using it instead of the word 'compliant'. I don't necessarily need to have compliant kids all the time, but I do want them to listen to me some of the time...like at bed time. Also, when my kids are being "bad" it's my brain telling me that they're "bad" kids. I know they're not bad kids, they're great kids, but in those moments what is really going on is that my brain is telling me that I'm a "bad" dad who can't get his kids to listen to him and my ego is saying "It's not you, it's them!"

Bed time also sucks because at the end of the day I'm tired, too. I've been at work all day, battling just to give my students the attention they deserve and I've been making decisions all day and just holding things together to make everyone think that everything is okay. Then I get home and have to ask my own kids to do things that they don't want to do and I just don't have the energy to fight. But if I just let them stay up, they'll be tired the next day and if they're tired the next day not only am I being a bad dad, I'm being a bad husband too, which only piles onto the shame that I already feel.

I know I'm a good dad, but I feel like I'm not. If one were to have a checklist of what it takes to be a good dad I think I'd check off all the points if not most of them. But I feel that when I put all the theory of being a dad into practice I fail miserably. To relate to my previous post again, this is where the exhaustion comes from. Trying to reconcile the fact that I know how to be a good dad and that I am actually a good dad is a constant battle.

Me and my girls enjoying sometime in the bush over the winter break from school. December 2025

I'm lucky to have the kids that I do. They're both happy and healthy, and that's about all I can ask for! In the truest sense of the cliche, everything I do, I do it for them. I love them like crazy and I try to remind them of that as often as I can, not just by telling them, but by showing them how much they are loved. And like every parent on the planet, I just hope that I don't screw them up too bad! :)

Until next time,

Love you bros!

I write this blog for men. For dads, husbands, sons, uncles, cousins and brothers. I'm sharing my journey in hopes that another dude might feel seen. If you think that what I've written resonates with you please reach out. If you feel like someone would enjoy this article, please share it with them. I don't offer any solutions because I'm not an expert. If you need professional help, it's out there. It's not easy to find and it's not easy to access but it's out there...and if nothing else, I'm here for you.